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My Aunt sent me this just recently. It’ll give you a good laugh!

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my 50th birthday,which I will be celebrating on October 10th, my daughter Jillian (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the Body Rocks for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 33 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Nancy, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY : Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Nancy waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!! Nancy gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Nancy was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Nancy made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Nancy’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of Hummer in the club parking lot.

Nancy was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Nancy put me on the stair ‘monster’. Why the h*ll would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Nancy told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY :
Nancy was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Nancy took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b*tch, Leslie, to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that b*tch Nancy more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Nancy wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the D*mn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on another skinny b*cth, CJ the yoga instructor.

Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like an accountant or IT expert?

SATURDAY :
Nancy left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Jillian (the little b*tch) will choose a gift for me that is fun- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!